Was it the one armed man?

The library I work for has a wonderful service in which you can ask librarians questions via email. We always reply within 48 hours, even if it is to simply say "We need more time on this one."

My absolute favorite part of this service is the entertainment that it provides. Today I'm going to share the fun with you. The following is an email received this afternoon. Names and identifying locations have been changed to protect both the stupid and the snarky.

"Hi,
Last week I returned a CD case to the ****** Branch,
and was informed by them that the CD was not in the
case. They stated that the case would be sent back to
Main library and when I returned the CD it would clear
my account. On the 12th of April I returned the CD to
the (same) Branch and was told that the case had been
sent and my account was charged $14.95 for the missing
CD. They would send the CD and my account cleared.
On the 17th of April I called the Main Library and
spoke to someone who stated they would look for the CD
as it showed the account was still being charged. I
called the (same) Branch and was told that 'YES THE CD
HAD BEEN RETURNED.'
I was told by the person at the Main Library that
sometimes things get put aside. Could this CD that I
RETURNED be found and credited to my account. I can
not use my account, pick up waiting materials or use
my account. I have always paid my fine when it was my
error, THIS IS NOT MY ERROR."

Oh, reeeeeaaaaaallly? Not your error, huh? Maybe the two of us have definitions of the word. Let's consult a dictionary and break it down, shall we?

Er.ror (noun)-

1.	a deviation from accuracy or correctness; a mistake, as in action or speech. As in: not returning the item you checked out whole and on time.

2.

belief in something untrue; the holding of mistaken opinions. As in: being of the opinion that returning your item late and over the course of a several days, piece by piece to the library where it doesn't even belong is not going to be a problem or cause delays in getting the material back on the shelf. OR... believing that yours is the only item of thousands and thousands returned that week that came back without cases or as empty cases or in switched cases, etc. AND that there is someone who has nothing else to do except sit there and fix this unfortunate situation-without-blame.

3.	a moral offense; wrongdoing; sin. It certainly wasn't a right-doing, was it?

Here is my ideal reply:

First of all, you returned the empty case of a cd that belonged to the Main Library to a branch on Monday, April 9. You were then called and told that you had not actually returned the important part of the item you checked out. The branch was not going to keep an empty case that does not belong to them sitting around on the hopes that you'll hurry back and hand over the cd. They prompty sent it to the owning library, the Main Library. This turned out to be a wise move because it took you until Thursday, April 12 to return the actual cd. By this time the cd case had probably arrived at the Main Library and been chucked aside with the bazillion other incomplete items to sit on a shelf in the circulation workroom. OR... they're really busy down there and it's still in a mail tub somewhere waiting to be sorted. Who knows? A few days later your stupid cd arrives in the mail along with a crapzillion other things and is chucked over on the incomplete shelves too. At some point in the near future someone is going to have the time to go through each item piece by piece by piece and see if any of it matches up. It would seem this hasn't happened yet, though, has it?

Secondly, I'd like to address your statement: "I have always paid my fine when it was my error." Always? Because if that were true, you would be able to use your account right now. $14.95 isn't enough to block an account. The limit is $15. You owe $18.25. I checked. That means you could pay the fines for those other things and get back to business while we work at sorting out the mess you made. Or are those unpaid late returns also not your error?

Thirdly, watch the caps lock, Jerkie McCan-do-no-wrong. Seriously. I'm only going to interpret your caps-ed remarks as yelling or condescending and neither is going to motivate me to be very helpful. Try using "please" and sounding as if you are appealing to a capable person to help your sorry ass out. You'd be surprised how effective damsel-in-distress can be on a librarian. The circulation department might be too jaded to fall for it but librarians are suckers. We love to help the helpless. We're like superheroes but instead of adamantium claws or laser vision, we have books and information.

And, finally... YES, THIS IS YOUR ERROR. THIS IS ALL KINDS OF YOUR ERROR. AND THIS IS ME NOT HELPING YOU.