Target Is Stalking Me

Last night I got a call on my cell phone. I didn't recognize the number from caller ID but it was a local area code so I was expecting to hear from someone I know. The voice on the other end was heavily accented to the point where I could barely understand anything that was being said. This is odd because I pride myself on having an ear for accents. I love them. But this one was so unusual and thick that it was as if the person was trying to be unintelligible. I did manage to guess correctly that they wanted to speak to me because I thought I heard my name in there somewhere. I confirmed my identity and the caller continued. I made out only the following words:

You
Pharmacy
Call
Right
Feeling

The rest was garbled nonsense. My supercomputer-like brain worked quickly to come up with an appropriate response. What it came up with was, "I'm sorry. Who did you say you were? The Meijer Pharmacy?" A couple months ago I dropped off a prescription at this pharmacy and never returned for a refill because of their astounding incompetence. Well... not mind-blowing criminal incompetence. More like Three Stooges incompetence. And, regardless of whether or not you find the Three Stooges to be funny, no one wants to ingest prescription medication prepared by them. After the poor impression they left on me, I took my doctor-recommended drug habit elsewhere. Enter...

THE TARGET PHARMACY.

A newly renovated Target had opened up nearby. Seeing as how I frequently stop in there and it is conveniently located on my route home from work, I thought I would give their pharmacy a try. I was not disappointed. It was beautiful. Clean. Simple. Organized. Aesthetically pleasing. The two people behind the counter were working calmly but diligently. Everything about them said, "I am in control and I know what I am doing!" And check this out...

Is that not the most adorable and functional pill bottle you have ever laid eyes on? See that green ring? Mine is blue. Because that's my favorite color. They asked. At first I thought this was just another aesthetic thing. Target bringing me joy in little odd ways. Turns out every member of the household gets a different color. That way if you're too delirious with pain or illness to focus your eyes and find your name on a pill bottle OR if you are so entirely illiterate that you cannot recognize your own name when you see it, Target has your back.

And, as it turns out, Target is looking out for me in more ways than I knew. Target is looking out for me with Big Brother-like determination. Let us return to the phone call and you shall see. I had guessed Meijer because I thought that they were wondering why I hadn't come back and refilled my prescription with them. Not so. The woman on the other end of the phone continued in her absurdly thick accent. This is the gist of the conversation:

Lady (note: I have paraphrased because I could still only understand slightly more than half of what was being said): No. This is the Target pharmacy. How are you?
Me: Oh. Good. Good.
Target lady: Good. We are calling tonight to follow up with the prescription you filled with us recently. How is your illness? Are you feeling better?
Me: Um... yeah? I'm... okay. Why?
Total f-ing stranger from Target: We just wanted to check on you and see you are feeling better. That is all. I will go and so you can enjoy your evening.
Me: Uh... okay. Thanks?

Bizarre. Just bizarre. Here's why:

1. I'm not sick. I have no illness. I'm taking a maintenance dose of a common antibiotic for a few months to clear up my skin. Not that they would know that because...

2. They are not doctors. They are not my health care provider. Their job is to put the drugs my doctor wants me to take into a little bottle with a pretty blue ring on it and sell it to me. Nothing more. It's none of their business what it wrong with me. Because...

3. What if I wasn't feeling well? What are they going to do about it? Bring me chicken soup? Send a card? Or...

4. Were they expecting me to have problems for some reason? Do they know something I don't? Did they give me the wrong stuff and just now noticed? Do they suspect that one of their employees has been poisoning the drug supply and are gathering evidence against him?

Here it is, Target. Don't call people about personal medical issues at home. It's just creepy. I don't want to talk about what is and is not wrong with my body with Target employees. Thanks, but no thanks.

Very creepy.